She Has a Body

You’re a good Christian girl
So you’re trying to hide your new breasts
Hiding them under that thick, baggy sweater
But it’s not working
And you begrudge your body all the more for it
Puberty is always hard, awkward
But it’s harder for you because every new curve
Every new bend, possesses a toxic magic
It can topple a man’s moral scruples in an instant,
Or so you’ve been told
So you cover it up, keep it out of sight
In order to protect the men

You’re a modest Christian girl
So you’re following all of the rules,
Or at least you’re trying to
They seem to be getting longer by the day
You try to avoid anything that will remind the boys
Remind them you’re a developing woman
With breasts and an ass
You avoid spaghetti straps and short shorts
You stay away from shirts that hug or cling
Not a piece of clothing in your closet hints at cleavage
And you know that if you wore a bikini on a summer day
That your very salvation would be questioned

You’re a feminine Christian girl
So you’re wearing your brunette hair long
Once you wanted to chop it off,
To wear it just above your chin
But boys like girls with long hair, you were told,
And it might even be a sin
You would’ve had to wear a hat to church,
A sign of your submission
But it would’ve felt like a sign of your shame
So you leave it long, flowing
Because when it comes to your hair, your body,
You don’t get the final word

You’re an innocent Christian girl
So you haven’t learned about your most secret anatomy
Someone tells you the clear unmentionable
You sometimes see in your underwear is part of your
Monthly cycle, nothing more
When you learn it has a function, that it relates to sex,
You’re wracked with guilt
If you’d truly been a good girl, you tell yourself,
You never would’ve seen it
You know it’s a sign of your shame
You must have lusted,
Even though you can’t recall

You’re a pure Christian girl
So you believe your body isn’t yours
You can’t touch it
It would compromise the quality of your virginity
Compromise your worth as a woman
And you can’t give that right to others
Because it isn’t yours to give
Your God bought you in blood, He owns you
Someday your father will give you away
Yet even now your body is already reserved, taken
You’re already Future Husband’s property
Even though you haven’t met

You’re a submissive Christian girl
So you’re afraid of marriage
Afraid of sex
Because your body will belong to your husband
It will be your daily duty to give him sex
However, whenever he wants it
And women don’t enjoy sex,
Or so you’ve been told
So sex will be an obligation, a chore, a wifely duty
And when he decides to pass on his name and DNA
You’ll dutifully forgo the condom without a word
Because your body is not your own

You’re a nice Christian girl
So you’re crying after making out with your boyfriend
You love him, and he loves you
But you feel like you kissed him too much
Hugged him for too long
Enjoyed it more than you should have
And you’re afraid that now you’ve lost something
A tiny piece of your purity has chipped off
Some of your value and worth has faded
It’s as if a man’s hand brands his signature into your flesh
And you feel a little bit damaged now,
A little bit ruined

You’re a virtuous Christian girl
So you know next to nothing about sex
You can’t even identify your own anatomy
And you think that’s as it ought to be
But you’re mentally unprepared for some
Hot night between the sheets
How can you enjoy sex when you’re so terrified the
Thought of it leaves you sobbing?
You don’t view yourself as a sexual being
And you’ve never been allowed to be one
But once you say “I do” you’ll feel completely responsible,
Responsible for the sexual happiness of another

You’re a virginal Christian girl
So you’re wondering what it’ll feel like
Feel like once your v-card has been punched
You’ve done the deed
Gone all the way
Done the nasty
Lost your virginity
You wonder what it feels like
To lose your most valuable possession
To lose what you’re told defines you
You wonder if you’ll feel different once it’s gone,
If you’ll feel the loss

You’re an educated Christian girl
So you know Adam was made in the image of God
You know how the Psalmist praised the Lord
For being fearfully and wonderfully made
How he felt he’d been knit together in his mother’s womb
But you don’t believe this applies to you, not really
At least not all of you, not all your parts
Not your sin-evoking curves
Or your shameful, bloody cycle
You don’t say it out loud, barely even in your heart
But you believe you’re a card-carrying member of
The second-best sex

You’re a devout Christian girl
So you flinch at the very idea of God being feminine
And the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end
Because this is the very worst kind of sacrilege
It’s creating God in your own image,
Or so you’ve been told
And you believe there could be no higher insult
And no greater offense
Than to say that the Creator of the Universe is maybe,
Just a little, like you
The felony of golden cattle can’t compare to female pronouns
To saying She has a body like yours

You’re a hurting Christian girl
So don’t know your worth, your value
You’ve internalized it all, every cutting lie
But, My dear little one, listen to Me
You bleed but you do not die
How are you weak?
You possess the gift to create life
How are you not magic?
Your curves and bends were sculpted, planned
How could they be shameful?
Dear little one, listen to Me,
I have a body like yours